The pandemic has been life changing for everyone on the planet on some level with fear of the unknown, fear of loosing loved ones, fear of not having enough and yes fear of not having control of the situation just to name a few.
For me the pause was a gift. This time was healing for me because I had been living most of life in flight or fight. It was exhausting being me most days. Yes, my life was good, my family joyful most of the time, a husband that loves me more than I could ever have imagined and work that I was passionate about…… but I could not slow down long enough to see that another layer of my true self wanted to be revealed. I had many sign posts that more work needed to be done, that I needed go deep again. I convinced myself that peace and contentment in who I was would always be illusive and my mantra was “Its so hard being me, you will never be enough “spending too much time trying to fit in everywhere, it was exhausting. So when the world slowed down I had to slow down and question how I was choosing to live my life.
Right before the pause I had been told that I was angry. I thought…Me? How could that be? I had done enough work on myself and knew that resentment and anger had the power to make one sick physically as well as mentally. I had proof of that!!!! I thought I had mastered that emotion until it was brought to my attention. Why so angry? Angry at the Covid virus, the loss of lives, the food insecurity or just plain angry. Again, had to dig deep. Yes, I was angry angry at myself, so judgmental so hard on me and therefore everyone else. Anger is an outward sign of self loathing. I had not yet accepted myself, loved myself or saw myself as good and true and authentically me. More going within……
The pause was not about stopping “The Work”, it was more about taking time to examine my life, holding it up into the light. It was shaking hands with my feelings, it was being an observer. I believe God took away all that I thought I needed, wanted or was. Listening to my friends and family and holding space in a more intimate way than before. A new understanding that I am different, changed, and with more wisdom and confidence.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to Change the things I can ….
And the wisdom to know the difference.
My program has prepared me to stay sober and trust God.
I am so grateful I was taught to live in the present. I am not perfect at it, but the practice has served me well over the years and especially now.
I found peace in prayer, in nature, in walking, reading, gardening, drawing, crocheting, connecting with the people closest to me. I try to walk in peace.
At the beginning of the pandemic I was glued to the TV and hung on to every detail. I lost sleep, worried about everyone!! The details of life somehow became important. How to navigate the grocery store, the bank, the pharmacy. What about jobs, children educations, the elderly???? The planet was using up its energy worrying and so was I .
I began teaching 2 yoga classes from the beginning and noticed my students energy was low. We were all trying to regain strength and optimism together through pranayama asana and meditation. Supporting one another we began to experience an uplifting feeling (even though we were not in the presence of one another energy fields). I felt uplifted through connection.
I realized through my connections with family, my yoga students, AA friends and AYTT Tribe, that sharing my true self and experiences, strengths, hope and weakness was helping heal my own life. I am so grateful for this PAUSE, to truly gain real authentic perspective for myself so that I can continue to be a light worker.